When you change, the world changes with you

As an openly-supportive mother of gay children, I have made a transition that gives me respect in my circle of family and friends. Complete openness is disarming and freeing. And, believe me, when you change, the world changes with you.
No longer do I see someone smack a spouse who is making a disparaging anti-gay remark and give him that look, then watch the cartoon bubble seemingly appear above his head: "Oops, I forgot, Pat's kids are gay."
There are no gay slurs. It's no longer "the gossip" whispered behind my back.
When a secret isn't a secret anymore, what is it? Poof, it evaporates into reality and acceptance.
I talk freely, openly and proudly about my children and their partners--just like everybody else. Why did I ever have the feeling that I couldn't? They are equally loved and respected and enjoyed by family and friends.
As parents of gays, I guess we allow ourselves to be backed into a closet of our own sometimes.
Openness is not confession--it's freedom. I know, nobody called to tell you their kids were heterosexual, so why do we have to go there. We just do!
If you haven't done it. It's time. Remember, when you change, watch your world change with you.
And really, it's bigger than you and me. As the world changes with us, maybe the attitude and respect for the gay community will change, too. Soon the reality of same-sex marriage will come to pass, and, again, everyone will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Show your support

I just added my name to "Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. " Add your name too!
http://my.barack.obama.com/RepealDADT-share.
Then I added my name and support to "Freedom to Marry." It's a gay, non-gay coalition located at http://www.freedomtomarry.org/.
These are grass-roots efforts that get the public support behind our causes. We have to participate or our voices are silent--especially as mothers and parents of gays. Our voices need to be heard!
Think about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." For example, approximately 13,500 service personnel have been outed because of this useless policy. In the beginning of the Iraq war, 320 service people who spoke Arabic and Farsi were expelled because of their sexual orientation. Not only is this ridiculous, it is harmful to our national security. My looming question is how will a gay person enlist in the military with this new approach??? Do you check the gay box on the application?
On another front, "Freedom to Marry" is an impressive, honest and clear presentation of the support for the rights of same-sex couples to marry. It is a commendable effort and needs our participation.
So, show your support!

The Milk man may get his day

We all know the story, or have seen the movie, about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to win elected office in a major U.S. city--a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.
In 1978, when he and Mayor George Moscone were assassinated at City Hall by former supervisor Dan White, nobody expected that murder to have the far-reaching significance it still holds.
This past weekend, commemorative events were held across the country to observe what would have been Milk's 80th birthday. Californians are still trying to establish May 22 as Harvey Milk Day.
"The creation of the first official day of recognition for any openly gay person in the history of this country has really touched people, many of whom have been closeted in life or faced rejection or government discrimination which continues to this day," said Geoffrey Kors, executive director of the gay-rights group Equality California.
I hope there is a Harvey Milk Day. I hope parents of gays support it and continue to "come out of the closet" themselves and fight for the rights of their children. We're more powerful than we realize.

Gay parenting 101: Unconditional love

When country-western singer, Chely Wright came out as lesbian recently, she expected her parents to treat her as damaged goods. And, as the only openly gay country-western star, she figured her fans would abandon her. But that hasn't happened.
On yesterday's Oprah show, Chely Wright said, "I feel like I'm about two weeks old. I had to come out to be whole. I had to take my power back."
Her father was in the audience and spoke of his unconditional love. "I knew her heart, her mind, her soul."
"There's nothing you can't get through," he said. "Don't close the door on your child. Open your heart."
Chely Wright is hoping her new-found openness with help other gays to come out. And her father's attitude is a bonus for her and an example to other parents of gay children.
"Oprah, you can't compromise your love for your child," he said.
Thanks Mr. Wright. You're a model parent of a lesbian daughter. Good job!

See your children for who they really are

Moms, take a good look at your gay child and his/her partner. What do you see? Push aside your fragile position on the same-sex part of the relationship and look again at the individuals.
You may see something wonderful there. As a couple, do their personalities blend and complement one another? Are they lively, happy, laughing--having fun together. Do they share the same talents and gifts--the same idealogies and intelects? Do they have a sense of the future together? Gee, maybe they chose someone who represents the idealogies and expectations of your family and their upbringing. Enjoy that. Respect it. That's what matters.
They're not some dirty little secret to be held tightly in your gut.
They are part of your family. Have they had to create a family within a community where they are accepted? That's not fair. You're doing them--and yourself--an injustice.
Is that why so many gays have to run away to San Francicso--or places where they can start a life in a community where they don't face ridicule or unacceptance?
Well, I guess we really can't change anything outwardly to improve the rights of gays until we change what's going on within. Once we see our children for who they really are and are proud of their relationships and their accomplishments, then maybe the rest of society will open their eyes, too.

The "New Normal"

Are you one of those mothers who isn't comfortable with other people knowing you are the parent of a gay or lesbian? Not acknowledging your child's homosexuality hurts your son or daughter more than you know. So why not talk about it?
When you tell someone your son is gay or your daughter is lesbian, it's not a confession!
It's our "New Normal" moms.
Are you the mom who bragged about your child's school, grades, athletic ability, artistic talent or musical skill? So, why did you become so quiet when you found out that same child was gay or lesbian?????? Were your expectations altered? Are you still getting over what other people might think? There is no cookie-cutter child or storybook family. We all have to adjust.
I live in the "New Normal" openly now.
Maybe if our public attitude about our children is as positive and honest as our private attitude, we can help to create a stronger perception toward equality for gays in every aspect of society--including same-sex marriage.
And the more we talk about it, the more "normal" it becomes. The bonus is a better relationship with your son/daughter and his/her partner. And isn't that what it's all about?
I wouldn't trade my "New Normal" for anything.

Episcopalians and Politicians

What makes Episcopalians so 21st century?
They just ordained and consecrated the Rev. Mary Glasspool a bishop--an openly-gay woman. Wow. A woman bishop. A lesbian bishop.
In 2003, turmoil erupted when the Episcopal Church ordained the first openly gay bishop, V. Gene Robinson. It seems to have worked out just fine, so Bishop Glasspool should have an easier time making the transition.
Are Episcopalians the only ones who got the memo?

And what makes politicians so behind the times?
Take the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court, for example. In the dirt-digging phase of her confirmation, it has "come out" that in 2003, as dean of Harvard Law School, Kagan was against military recruiting at Harvard because it excluded openly gay and lesbian students stating it was "a profound wrong--a moral injustice of the first order." With the support of other faculty members, they tried to ban recruitment, but it was ultimately ruled by the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals that on-campus recruitment could not be banned.
Now the personal life of Kagan, an unmarried woman, has become Republican fodder, insinuating that she is lesbian. They even showed a picture of her playing softball to force-feed their stereotype. Oh, let's see, she's unmarried and at some point in her life played softball = lesbian. The White House said she is not lesbian, and her friends have been "coming out" to prove she's heterosexual. This is ridiculous. What century are these politicians living in? Maybe they should consult with the Episcopal Church and update their ideaology. Since when has one's sexualilty become a requirement for serving on the Supreme Court?
From everything I've seen and read about Elena Kagan, she sounds brilliant--a fantastic choice for the Supreme Court.
I hope Kagan is serving when California's ban on gay marriage is struck down by a lower court and has to go to the Supreme Court.
Can Bishop Mary Glasspool lead the prayer?

Do ask, Do tell!

Note: This is an older post that has been reprinted because it's worth repeating.

Okay, I'm just an ordinary mother of a gay son and a lesbian daughter. Does that make me different? What does society expect of me? Am I supposed disappear into the background knowing my children will never be able to marry--accept it?
When someone would ask if my kids were married, I used to answer, "No, they're both gay." End of conversation.
What had I said? What ideological void had I trapped myself within? I was actually admitting that they could never marry.
Now, I've changed. No longer will I disappear into the leper colony of silence set aside for mothers of gays. My new dialogue goes like this when asked the marriage question: "No, but they should be. They're both in committed same-sex relationships, so, when gay marriage is inevitably approved, they will have the choice to marry. I dearly love my children and their partners. They deserve the right to marry. I deserve to see it happen."
So you see, we ordinary moms with gay children have to change our personal dialogue and encourage others to realize the important human right of same-sex marriage. When it finally happens, maybe someday people will forget what all the fuss was all about, and we can be proud moms with married children.

Have you really "come out" as the parent of a gay child?

Note: This is an older post that I reprinted because it is personal and I thought important to other mothers of gays.

When I first began blogging as an advocate for gay marriage, I wasn't sure I had a voice or a platform that I could sustain. My daughter, Amy, was the inspiration for the blog, and, frankly, I was a little nervous about putting myself out there. But it's been quite cathartic!
For one thing, over the past few months, I've realized that I had never totally "come out" as a parent of gay children. Of course, acceptance had happened years earlier, but it was private and protective--held closely with family and friends. Back then, my kids didn't want me to be "open" about their "gayness" anyway. So I was silent.
Until recently, I didn't know I had allowed society to cast me as a second-class parent. I had accepted the back seat on the bus with the other parents of gays--that quiet spot where we know that our children are treated differently and unfairly, and we can't do anything about it.
You know that place. It's where you hear gay slurs, gay jokes, gay innuendo--that gut punch you internalize in silence. Why are we supposed to accept that? I just can't do it anymore! Now I'm braver.
The other day when a friend said, "My gay neighbors invited us to a party," that was the first time I ever said, "Don't they have names?" Then I mentioned, "You wouldn't tell me your heterosexual neighbors invited you to a party." But, then I asked, "Why do people always refer to gay couples that way?" She rolled her eyes in embarrassment and claimed from now on she would refer to them by their names. "They are good friends, and it never occurred to me what I was doing."
We need to make people aware of the sensibilities connected with "gay etiquette." Is there a Miss Manners of gay etiquette? Maybe elevated treatment or reference will push away some of the ridiculous notions that there is a different set of rules for gays. There shouldn't be. They deserve the same rights as everyone else.
So it's time to "come out" as full-fledged parents of gay children and speak up.

Note: Other older posts I recommend are: Jan 9, 2010: Ages and Ages and Attitude Changes; Nov. 23, 2009, The Last to Know--Acceptance and a Sense of the Future; Nov. 6, 2009, Mothers--The Voice of Gay Marriage.

Mother's Day and the gay gene

What do Mother's Day and the gay gene have in common? A lot. Guess what, my son probably got the X chromosome with the genetic DNA marker called Xq28 from me! That's why he is gay. Since girls get an X chromosome from each parent, some scientists say there's "a battle between the X's," and it's not clear--and they say that the X's are not in agreement. Hey, my late-husband and I were always in agreement. Clearly, the scientists agreed that more research needs to be done on lesbian women.
I'd love to volunteer my DNA for testing of the gay gene. That fascinates me. For now, I'll take credit for the gay gene my daughter received, too. These and many other studies are not absolute, but they certainly shed light on what I've always believed--there is a gay gene.
Most studies, however, have been done on males. Not surprisingly, research money is not readily available to study the gay gene, because it's a politically volatile issue and some scientists fear researchers would work to eradicate the gay gene.
Studies done on gay brothers and identical twins have had successful outcomes in identifying good old Xq28.
Other studies done on the hypothalamus of the brain connect it to sexual orientation as well. This was discovered in work with sheep, where 8 percent of domestic rams are exclusively interested in sex with other rams. When these rams were studied, the comparison in the size of the oSDN--a densley-packed cluster of neurons in the hypothalamus of their brains--was similar to that found in the brain scans of gay males in the study. The hypothalamus regulates body temperature, blood pressure and sexual behavior.
Many researchers are themselves gay and lesbian and devoted to this biological research. It is important work for all those who are gay and for those of us who have parented gay children.
So, as Mother's Day approaches, we have even more reason to be the voice of support for gay marriage. It's our responsibility mothers!